update as promised, well, the weekly kind of NOT, but well emotions and mental states came in between and criss-crossed.
I started this Post on 9th of June - WOW, you might wonder what happened until NOW?!!? (I wonder too) almost one month later? To be honest, I was entering and then in a Hypomanie ( I think I told you about being Bi Polar some Posts ago). Do I need and want to categorise myself? No, it’s ONE Part of myself, but somehow it was kind of relief for me when I got told, the told implies a category and actually that sounds horrible, and also is, but to be fair, all of a sudden my moods made sense, and when I was able to name it, I could learn, accept and understand and yes also talk about it. But still, I struggle to see and feel the signs and sometimes the moods are not easy to handle for myself and my surrounding. Right now I am back to being more structured and can focus better. Still energised but not in the constant No concentration at all, colors super bright, sounds overwhelming, sex drive extremely high, no boundaries, no limits, no filters.
But let’s start with what I started back on the 9th of June:
How to structure, how to process, how to… A start again?! I guess, well actually No, more a …continue.
I don’t want this to be a weekly update on what I did on a daily base, sure I could tell you I went to Demos had a small WOD at and for friends screening (and that was beautiful and important), drove to Gropiusstadt (one and only Corona Slot it was that day) AND believe me, I didn’t even know that at some point in Berlin there are no street names no more, everything is called WEG, like Ahornweg, Fenchelweg, Rosenweg… Na ja. The one and only exciting thing was (though I have to say, beautiful the bike ride was) a tiny house called ZOMBIE BAR, with food HOT AS HELL?! Jah, no shit, if THAT was the one and only exciting thing you might say… So yeah, it was worth doing it ONE TIME and now never ever again.
So okay, that was now all about what I decided to not write about, but still ejaculating, and now that I think about it No Limits again. Well, well,…
I will start with, why I write today! Do you know those days when you wake up, and you just want to feel yourself, don’t want any messages, inputs, needs, … from others, the need to be completely by and with yourself?! That’s how I feel and felt today. A need to process no interference, opinions, advices from the outside. Just thinking and being. Submerging, Immersing.
It has a lot to do with all the things that happened the last days. And so many things were about relationships and communication. From meeting people again, that I lost during the “shutdown” and figuring out where to go next and in the end committing to: not becoming strangers again. The Colors of Emotions reached from: being scared about a confrontation with a very long knowing friend over being super excited about dating a new girl. It turned out the confrontation I was scared of transformed into a very hopeful, emotional journey and led to: how to build bridges again. While the other one started to become confusing and strangely obsessive.
We, as in me and my girrls, had a long dialogue about sensibility, intimacy, online dating, ghosting, confrontation, Consent, and how to practice it. Why do we trust an Algorithm? Doesn’t often trying to find connections through a screen implies ignoring each others bodies and chemistry?
That was when I stopped writing and embarked on my No Filter journey. Actually I now know I was in that state already during that draft. I will for now leave it there and go to the now. I fell restless, but can channel my energy into being creative.
Right now I write a Text in German, a language that so often made me NOT write freely, cause mistakes in Grammar and Expressions were way to often marked red, by others. I am happy I gained back the freedom to write in my mother language and am excited to share, still chaos and wanting to continue, so give me time :)
Not much more time, but more focus I need for my New Video, called for now: HypomanieABC (lots of footage and lots of content and all in all an archive of C-Times, cooping and hoping)
So Yass beloved ones out there an Update for now. I hope you feel OK, I know everything still is overwhelming, so I do hope you have something and someone to hold on.
I will be back, soon, with the promised In- and Output.
For now, I wish for you to observe, be open, discuss, enter into dialogue, and treat others the way you want to be treated.
Love, yours hanna