So live head ticker for today, though the ticker started kind of yesternight. So me and my VP decided to read the newspaper, let’s call it ZEITUNG. It was at night probably 11 or midnight, so my wish was to read an article not about C as an “absacker”. Well kind of the one and only was an article about isolation, loneliness and dating platforms (written by a straight, married guy with a kid, who decided to do a “dating platform experiment” to “research!!!” (yeah I know, I should have known by then how aggressive I will get!) how people (kind of my generation) are dealing with isolation...Ii will NOT get more into the “content” otherwise I get highly aggressive again (and need to calm myself down with drinking lots of schlaf und nerven Tee). I mean, OK, in short the “research” (he at some point figured that he could also put into the profile: interested in men, but then it was too late, cause of the Redaktionsschluss-WOW!) or tonality of the article was: when you are single you are only a half person or lonely or,... I mean I have been in relationships where I felt more lonely than being “single” and WTF does that even mean? Being single??!! Me and my VP got into that for quite a long time so today I woke up with this topic stuck in the back of my head.
So I did one of my “one woman” walks in the morning, I wouldn’t want to call it “singel-walk” . I thought a lot about relationships, communication, intimacy and yeah love. But why Single if you for example have a caring community around you? Yes I know, I mean I grew up in a society that is built on this weird belief that love is for one person, forever, connected to capital and … Which I don't believe in! So the Head Ping Pong started.
A quote came up in my mind: ‘We learn to shrink, to lie about the whole love we need, settling with not quite good enough in order to not be alone’. True, but how to grow?
Yes, I believe, we can learn love by loving. We can practice with others, on ourselves, in all kinds of ships! LoveShips, IntimacyShips, ... then one sentence out of Velvet Rage crossed my mind: noticing joy in the presence of another person, … and then being brave and honest to yourself, so well yep back again to Communication and Honesty. But how to talk about wants and needs, when you did not learn? I do want to speak for myself, for me, as a woman and homosexual so much connected to love and growing up was connected to shame and fear, labels, … and explicit a fear of Rejection, of wanting and needing too much, of being too much.., when I feel that, it’s like falling down a huge mountain, and once on the ground it’s hard to climb up again. But yes the belief in Love can help to heal again. But sure so often recreating patterns over and over, kind of in a Loop. Everyone has of course different tools to cope. And then this weird ambivalence, sure fear again, when it gets too close, to turn away, overplay feelings “play them down” and hide. But we live and learn, no? So practicing, yes!!
Then one of the LoveShips in my life crossed my mind, whom I know for, … oh fuck almost 10 years (time flys by so fast) and oh boy, we worked a lot, we were fighting and were in times where I thought to myself, kay, that’s it we will never ever talk again. But we pushed the walls of fear and the bricks of the wall fell slowly, sometimes fast. I believe deep down we always reminded us of Love and trust and how much joy we give each other. Jah, but Hard work, time, patience and many nights of tears and fears and pain and happy sad and, ... well so many emotions...
Now I feel the need to get offline and write a love letter, on how we can beat fear, sharing honest needs and honest thoughts, building communities, how to love radical and global and how to learn to trust, in a world that is so often defined by fear and hate. I guess today is one of those days where I am hopeful and grateful and wish for the choosing of love. So back to the task of needing to write a love letter, but I guess without knowing, I already did.
Until tomorrow, x hanna