A beautiful OR better: however you feel, start or end for today. For me a “Synapsing Wildly Day”.
Yesterday I was in need to get out and offline. I had the feeling I am weirdly disconnected and overwhelmed, I think a bit exhausted. Nature though, I forget so often, helps. Listening to the waves and trying to swim a bit in the: super fucking cold as ice water calmed me down. But still, today there are so many chemical reactions and unstructured thoughts.
Relaxing? A topic for itself. For me it’s super hard and so ver often I overstep every physical need for relaxation. Moving, faster, and faster and faster, … and just continue, and more and faster and then… CRASH. It’s like running up the Everest and then falling down. Well and then, you have to puzzle yourself together, again.
Ja. I tried things like: Yoga- but the people and competition in the studios so often made me highly aggressive, breathing exercise-yeah, but how to even get there when you feel like a volcano close to explosion?! I tried sudoku - yep again - aggro attack, boxing, and … well, many ways, different try and errors. Swimming became one of my Option No1. Diving into Water, the feeling of being weightless, connected to your breath and body. Diving into a different world. Yes, right now No Pools and for now just ice cold lakes. Option is taking showers, but well holding your breath underneath a water jet is not as satisfying as lapping in a pool. So back to Cuming and ejaculating And THAT is also ALWAYS a No1!! So solo-sexed todays Lunch away.
I recently was thinking a lot about compensation and how to beat the feelings connected to isolation, connected to spaces and places you normally go to beat and live life. I observe and see how many around are dying like little plants. And can’t see hope no more. And not everyone is as lucky as I was. I was lucky to find a good therapist, but I know so many are not. Losing Hope, not seeing a path no more. Yes, I know, people die and personally death is nothing that scares me, but I am worried on the effect this current Situation will and has caused-mental health wise. I recently wrote that for some this C-ituation can be liberating but I also do know for others this C-ituation is pure Horror. What happens if you lose the spaces and people you normally have? When you are alone? What “tools” to use? How to not get stuck in a Mind-loop? In a Mindfuck? How to reach out and ask for help? Overwhelming emotions and how to deal with them? How to reframe? Where do the emotions come from? Fear, anger, hope? A connection between memories and fear? Can you rewrite? Can you change “synapsis networks”? What are emotions? What does it mean to feel alone, hurt, depressed? What is love, hope, connection? What triggers us? What is it that keeps us awake at night and what makes us to continue, or the other way round? Yes, sounds like asking for the meaning of life? No!!! I don’t want to talk about this question looking for this ONE meaning. I don’t believe in this ONE thing, more like millions of meanings, senses, millions of connections and disconnections. And I know those and trying to find this little things are the beauty and challenge in living life. Trying to hold on to them, looking, finding, losing, searching, finding, .. This chemical reactions - in short emotions. I know while some can reflect, reframe, recover and rebuild while others just can’t and fall deeper and deeper into them.
I know today I ask many questions and I do have little answers. For myself it is a constant challenge trying to find new answers. Saying it’s OK, holding on to feelings, others and continue doing art.
I will leave you with fragments, connected to a piece and an Interview I had with a neuroscientist researching about Trauma, memories and fear:
A chain of chemical interactions connects millions. They never touch, they communicate through tiny gaps. Filming, storing, and recycling vast troves of data accumulated throughout our lives. Each of us has memories that we wish we could erase and memories that we cannot summon no matter how hard we try.
“We need fear memories to survive,” she says. “How else would you know not to touch that burner again? You should bring back memories and relive them. Surrounded by water, drowning into a world of the unknown.
She says: It’s good to cry. And for a short time there is silence.
We are nothing without our memories, but sometimes they can make us less than we could be.
Beloved ones out there, I wish for you to take good care of yourself and others.
Love, x hanna